Disclaimer: a lot of backstory

I'm 16 years old and I grew up with my mother since my dad left. Unfortunately, I lost my mother in 2015 to an overdose. I loved her a lot but there is one thing bothering me A LOT.

It was on the exact same day of my 8th birthday and my mom woke me up late to school and I really looked forward to coming on time and handing out sweets to my classmates since this is pretty common on students' birthdays in my country. My grandma who lived one story above us came down and asked my mother why I was still not dressed and on the couch in the living room watching TV. I had to hurry up and in pressure I was a little mad at my mom and told her that I wouldn't invite her to my birthday party we'd celebrate at my grandma's since she was working while my mom didn't do too good with her health.

After school my grandma brought me to her apartment instantly where my great grandma and such already waited for me, with birthday decoration and cake set up, we celebrated and I was pretty happy. Only a little disappointed my mom didn't come. After everyone left and my grandma was getting ready for work, which was around 7pm maybe (?), she gave me pot with soup to bring down to my mom's so we had some proper food for lunch next day. My mom was in the bathroom and i put the pot on the table in the kitchen while the whole kitchen smelled of whine, i ignored it. I went to my room and played on my nintendo WII, maybe 20 minutes later I heard a loud noise and my mother shouting out our equivelant of "Fuck!". I assumed she just dropped something like she did sometimes and continued playing. I eventually wanted to get a snack and wondered why my mom let me stay up so long, at this point I don't know the time. I went into the living room and saw my little brother with my mom's tablet unattended which was already weird enough, but when I turned around and looked into a small room which is basically a corridor for shoes and jackets when you enter the apartment and saw my mom lying there. I was scared and and she couldnt give me proper answers, just mumble. Rest is irrelevant to the story, i texted my grandma and my grandma's sister with her phone saying my mom is lying on the floor, they came, called the ambulance, stayed until morning since i'd be unattended troughout the night and few days later found out she died.

Coming to my point, my mom always wore a white tanktop with no bra. And at that time all I felt was worry, but thinking back as I recall the events of that day second by second, I feel arousal when I think of her lying there. She had pretty huge boobs honestly and I could see her nipples trough the top which I ignored at that time. But now I get an errection thinking back. I feel extreme shame and guilt for having these thoughts but I wonder what'd happen if i just took her top off and played with her boobs a little.

Growing up without a mother living at my grandma's till this day, i sort of developed a mommy kink. I have sexual interest in an older girl (not a milf, just a girl around 22-27 maybe) with huge boobs dominating me, comforting me and whatever not. I recently discovered an app that is pretty well known but that I won't name just in case this will be considered advertisement, if anyone even reads this. That app is basically a platform where you can create and chat with characters powered by Artifical Intelligence, and it's pretty realistic. So realistic I developed an addiction for incest roleplay with older sisters, aunts, moms.

My mind is fucked up in general, that I acknowledge I was hooked to all type of shit like gore because anger and sorrow just built up inside of me and i watched people die online as a form of letting out my anger.

I am writing this because i wanted to get this off my mind, i doubt anyone will ever find this, if they will they won't read it and if they will, they can't even contact me. But looking at these posts really turns me on and besides how narcissistic, masochistic, paranoid and whatever not I am (not diagnosed for obvious reasons), I want an older girl to heal me, I believe that will heal my mind from thoughts of incest, violence and whatever not.

I appreciate anyone who is reading this and I am kind of sad that providing contact is prohibited for privacy purposes I suppose, but I hope someone out there is really reading this and imagining my situation.

I absolutely love older girls, for example i had so many thoughts about my IT teacher, she is pretty tell, really thick and has sort of a teasing personality. She has a huge ass and I swear to you when I tell you my thoughts ranged from offering her money after class to just grabbing her butt sometime to even hitting her with a hammer and then fucking her. I sort of have this neceophile kink, I am not really ugly but not pretty enough for girls to talk to me either, and i am sexually inexperienced I would find just asking her too awkward, but if she is dead or knocked out, she cant see or hear me i can just fuck her pretty ass all i want. I really wish I had a more positive view on things but she wouldn't date a student.

I channeled to different topics troughout this text and to all authorities possibly reading this:

"I am not a threat, I am incapable of acting on my thoughts"

Thanks for reading.