as I got older sometimes masturbated looking at heaps of peoples faces while either on meds or say, on a sickness and grief delirium or drunk and bullied for lack of sex as an incel, and looking at nothing really in particular over the past 40 years. I think I longed for trust and love and never found it. I hope to one day. I feel sorry for the people I would look at out of need for connection more then perversion but sometimes I did get kinks off I admit.

but no oatis would come out. I didn't play with him long enough. He called his snakey Oatis but Never inserted cuz it was not erect it. I think I would have had to play with it longer to erect it to push it in my holes and I just wanted to see it and feel what it was like for the paedophile in case he wanted me to feel his and he wanted me to check the size difference. He called it a can of worms game. I knew he would want to do it to me soon and yes he got me to feel his as well. I don't know why he was saying about size of dick differences . I was afraid but wanted to know. I would just touch it out of interest or extreme curiosity and try to copy mummy and daddy rubbing a little not with pants down . we were just kids. I feel weird about it now. But it definitely was not rape. I was only 8 or 9. should I feel bad about this. then sometimes we would dance together rubbing. it was not as bad as what my cousin did to me . I feel terrible I did it but I was encouraged to copy sex games from other kids and paedophile as a secret game. Its not a crime in my state cuz I checked. Its not even a child crime, it was just child's play and sexual misleading from elders. can we just leave it at that. I have been shamed out enough over it for 50 years. just stop it. Its not rape. I never put lego or toy truck up his ass either. like his family tried to do to me. I did not enjoy doing this. I felt forced into by the threats of the abuser and paedophile and just a negative voice in my head a lot and I stopped allowing them to hurt me or control me. I did similar with my brother and sister as well and I felt like a robot programmed to do sex acts that didn't feel bad or like sex. they were just testing the water like they had done to me or other kids did to me. stop making me feel like criminal for it when it was over 50 years ago now. I think my paedophile was in his 70s then or early 80s. and at this point he was not drinking as much but he was very controlling of me and I felt so controlled and worthless. I just an object to fool with and that is all these bullies are doing to me now and for the last 25 years. Making something out a can of worms. now please stop bitchin me out over it all.

Do you remember how I made you scream with six others at home!!! I’d fuck you and talk dirty to you for hours on meth and you enjoyed every second of it. I’d bend your big wide dimpley ass over, biting licking, and spanking you fucking hard. You’d scream when I would tell you how many truckers wanted to fuck you from behind because you should off your fuck me ass in those polyester tight black pants. You’d also play dress up with fuck shorts and heels and I would make you watch me pound you infront of a mirror bent way over gritting my teeth and spitting on your fucking ass cheecks. I’d ram you hard as I look up to the ceiling calling you a fucking dirty whore. I still jack off to your pictures and videos i made.

i had to watch some porn and masturbate. I really needed it. Like I don't feel bad about it. Its like for a lady or gent. down there is a loaded gun. and I think its worthwhile playing with it satisfying yourself til you meet someone right for you or you think could be suitable and apart from that if no one has ever shown you your worth sexually. don't be too quick to give it freely.

he told me he is sick of seeing ass from women and if we have sex he wants it the right way. I am all for that .

so I tried all that and felt turkey quake right but none the less it was not much fun at all and objectionable orgasm and prefer orgasm alone to masturbation with good porn when in a better mood then just self haltered. self hate makes sexual feelings so hard to work right.

I was born when my Mom was 17 and unwed so she took me home to her parents to raise me.

When I was 13 she had a small apt. on the 3rd floor and came and got me. I was not happy to go with her but, I had no chose, she was my Mother.

It was in the May when she pick me up and I had just finished school. I didn't have a lot of friends so I was ready to start a new life in a new town.

The first month was great, Mom was at work all day and we would play games at night and go to bed early as she had to be in work at 7am.

When the middle of July came the temp. went to 90 the apt. was roasting and we had no a/c just a fan. One night Mom said I can't stand my shirt on any longer and took it off she had no bra on and I saw her tits for the first time. She sat on the couch with the fan blowing on her and said now I am cooling off. I didn't know what to say so I said yes it is cooler. She said take your shirt off and you will be cool. As I sat on the couch and keep peeking at her bare tit my small cock started getting hard. So I went in the bathroom and hit it on the sink so it would go soft but, it didn't so I said I am going to bed I am tired.

The next morning she was gone when I got up it was Wed. so I went to the park down the street and there were some guys playing ball and they invited me to play, I stayed until 3 and then went home.

Mom came in about 3:30 and started cooking supper. After supper we cleaned up and she went in to take a shower and I went in after her. When I came out she was on the couch with just her panties on and no top I could see the hair between her legs and it was hard not to look at it. Go put on those little sleep shorts that I bought you. I went in and put them on and came back out and sat on the couch beside her. That's better she said and put her arm around my neck and pulled me close to her breast the nipple of her breast was about one inch from my mouth and my cock started getting hard again.

I cuddle up close to her with my head on her tit and nipple almost in my mouth.

She said when you were young you used to suck Mommies breast do you remember how?

I opened my mouth and started sucking her nipple so didn't try to stop me so I keep suck it.

My cock was rock hard and I wasn't sure what was going to happen but, I was not going to stop sucking on her tit.

She turned toward me and put one hand down and in her panties and the other hand on my cock. I keep sucking her and she keep rubbing my cock and the next thing I was coming in my shorts. She keep stroking my cock thru the material in my shorts. I could see her hand working her pussy and before long she came. She took her wet hand and hugged me real tight.

We went into the bathroom and she said get in the shower and pulled down my shorts and took down her panties there was her pussy for me to see. We showered and she put our wet clothes in the hamper and walked into the bedroom I watched her ass as she walked away.

Next part 2