After my brother was born my mother had a depression which ruined my parentes relationship, and our father's frustration at my mother's rejection of him was evident everywhere. They ended up only talking about the farm together.

One evening in late November 1969, a month after my 11th birthday and a little over a year after my baby brother was born, Dad comes into my room.

He has never been up to say goodnight to me before, and I had almost fallen asleep, so I sat up and looked at him strangely. I know he always goes for a walk in the stable after mum goes to bed, then he comes in at 9pm and washes up and goes to bed. He's had a shower I could smell, and he's just standing there in white underpants and a striped nightshirt.

I just want to say goodnight to you, my dad says then. I just look at him, dumbfounded. He comes over to my bed and sits on the edge. Then he caresses one of my cheeks, you're becoming a big girl, he says. I nod gently. You are so kind to help your mother and siblings, I am so glad you do. I say thank you.

Dad looks at me differently than he usually does, like he's always thinking about something. Then he says to me, try to get out of bed and turn around. I do as Dad says, stand in front of him in my nightgown and turn around once, looking at him expectantly. Hmmm, he then says, I look down at myself and see what Dad could now easily see too, and which has otherwise been hidden by everyday clothes, but the nightdress gives it away. There are two tender bumps on my chest, there have been for a while, but it couldn't be hidden any more in the nightdress.

You're bigger than I thought, Dad says again. I answer him with a, What? You are my beautiful and wonderful daughter, he says. I feel a warmth through my body and my cheeks turn red, not because I'm embarrassed, I'm happy - happy. I climb into bed, but Dad holds on to the blanket. He looks at me seriously, Lea, he says, I need you to help me a little. I'm too eager to do good things now that Daddy says nice things to me. Dad stands up and looks down at me, no, you're not old enough to help with that.

Not knowing what Dad is talking about, I almost start to tease, "What, Dad, what? I can help with anything!". Dad turns to the door and takes a step, if you help me now, honey. - My brain can't even believe Daddy is calling me, honey! I don't listen at all, but just say that I'll help him. He sits down on my bed again and looks at me. You have to take off your nightgown first or you can't help. I pull the nightgown over my head immediately, even though I think it's silly, how am I supposed to help by not wearing a nightgown.

Dad is now gently pressing my bumps, are they sore? he asks. I nod a little shyly. He looks at my panties, pale yellow with Minnie Mouse across the pee-pee. Dad nods, good, sit on the edge of the bed and stay put, don't move at all, can you manage that. I nod. Dad unbuttons his nightshirt, I look straight into his belly button, which is only 40cm away from my face. You keep quiet while I do this, Dad says - I nod.

He pulls his pee-pee out of his underpants, I giggle a little nervously, while Dad rubs his pee-pee all stiff, then he grabs it with his whole hand and runs his hand back and forth, faster and faster, as it grows bigger and stiffer. I watch, mesmerized by what is happening, a stiff penis the size of my forearm, 21-22cm and a thick, big head with a reddish-blue color. Dad runs his hand back and forth on his pee-pee, getting more and more down on his knees. I don't quite know what to look at, so I look mostly at his pee-pee and up towards his belly button and back again and am just about to yawn when suddenly dad moans differently and then big blobs of white slime fly over onto me and hit me a little in the face and mostly on my two little bumps, it hits the bed and drips onto the floor.

He leans over and kisses me on the mouth ever so gently. You're good at helping me, he then said. Go downstairs and dry off, then go to bed. He kissed me once more. I look at my little bumps, sticky with the white goo that came from Dad's pee-pee, not knowing what it is.

I go down to the bathroom and wash it off, and go up to bed. Quite confused as to what it is I'm supposed to be helping Dad with.